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How to knit a chair: a drama in ten parts (or, bad cat, bad cat, whatcha gonna do?).
Today I’m working on the manuscript – and hopefully finishing it. I talk a lot about the manuscript here, but not much at work – at work, I am working a lot and pulling overtime. At work, the topics of conversation, every day, several times a day, seem to be about pregnancy, sore backs, mucus plugs, morning sickness, maternity leaves, and birthing plans. I have little to say on any of those topics, and I’m not certain that they’re any improvement to the discussions we were having eight months ago (ovulation kits, pregnancy tests, and folic acid). At risk of alienating the mommy bloggers and the mommy friends, I have only this to offer: I DO NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT BABIES TODAY! BABIES ARE GOOD, YES, AND SO IS THE SURVIVAL OF THE HUMAN RACE, BUT I AM NOT PREGNANT! I CANNOT SHARE IN YOUR OVERWHELMING ENTHUSIASM FOR BABIES AS MY WOMB IS NOT FILLED WITH A BABY! NOR SHALL IT BE IF I HEAR ANYTHING MORE ABOUT MUCUS PLUGS EVER AGAIN!
There. I feel better now.
So I don’t have much else to say. Instead, I present for you….
How to Knit a Chair: A Drama in Ten Parts
(ripped from the headlines and based on a true story)
Part one
Take a chair, any chair. Enter the human and the cat.
Part two
If you are the human, stand with both hands on your face with an expression of horror as you discover that the cat has eaten part of your new armchair.
If you are the cat, pretend that the hole is invisible when shown the hole, and act as though the humans have completely lost their minds. Suggest that the hole was always there or that the chair was like that when they bought it.
Part three
If you are the human, take some knitting yarn and prepare to knit a chair. Stabilize the hole by stitching all around it. Adopt an air of grim determination.
If you are the cat, do nothing. Or chase your tail.
Part four
If you are the human, continue knitting the chair and decline the cat’s offer to eat another hole into the chair while you’re working.
If you are the cat, realize that now is a really, really bad time to start chewing the chair again.
Part five
If you are the human, begin knitting a patch for the hole.
If you are the cat, now is also a really, really bad time to try to chew the knitting needles.
Part six
If you are the human, stick the patch into place and begin suturing while thinking of your favourite M*A*S*H episodes. This is kind of like that, but without shrapnel and the shelling and a younger, more svelte Alan Alda. Accuse the cat of being a North Korean.
If you are the cat, ask what is a North Korean and can we go lie in a patch of sunlight?
Part seven
If you are the human, continue patching while the cat supervises your efforts. Mutter to yourself.
If you are the cat, offer helpful advice about good places for finding patches of sunlight in which to lie down in. Or lick your foot.
Part eight
If you are the human, continue working and try not to stab yourself with the darning needle.
If you are the cat, try to look unbearably cute and remorseful while this is taking place. It is a bad idea to bring a mouse over and ask for it to be thrown. Likewise, it is bad to start hungrily eying the sofa.
Part nine
If you are the human, observe the fruits of your labour.
If you are the cat, observe the ruination of the fruits of your labour.
Part ten
If you are the human, never, ever speak of this again.
If you are the cat – well, you’ve forgotten what all the hooplah was in the first place. Go find a patch of sunlight to lie down in. Lick your foot. What’s for supper?
7 Responses to “How to knit a chair: a drama in ten parts (or, bad cat, bad cat, whatcha gonna do?).”
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About Me
Who am I? I'm Heather. Big into reading. Big into writing.
My work has been published in Kaleidotrope, The First Line, and the anthology Evolve: Vampire Stories of the New Undead. I’m finishing my first collection of short stories, Lost Things.
Far too much sharing going on in the mommy world. Where has modesty and decorum gone? As for the cat – she was severely verbally abused. She has since forgiven me for all I had to say and threaten her with. She chewed the hole because she used to love to stuff her little rabbit fur mice down the crack in the chair, then dig them out. One mouse was uber- stuck, so she started chewing her way to save it. All small mice have been thrown out. The cat was kept. She has larger toys, not as valuable to her, but one of us has to compromise. Thank you Heather for knitting the chair patch. Stay tuned for the next episode…
Obsessive baby talk – don’t get me started.
Very nice job on the chair. Knitters, saving the world one act at a time.
Quite amazing that you would actually knit a patch for the chair! I would get the chair reupholstered!!
I too, am a huge M*A*S*H fan but I wish that Trapper and Radar had stayed and that Henry hadn’t died!!
Reupholster the wing chair? Figure on 6 yards of fabric, at $120 per yard. Do the math. That doesn’t include the labour. Most often it’s cheaper to just buy a new chair. This was only 2 1/2 years old, so a knitted patch, which doesn’t even show when the cushion is put back into place, was the best bet. As well, when you reupholster or change out one piece, you seldom get the same fabric or dye lot. Believe me, Heather saved the day. And the cat.
Hey, nice job on the patch. You are Resourceful with a capital R!
Oh, god, mucus plugs. I can’t see how that’s interesting even if you are pregnant. How much can really be said on that subject? The worst part is that in a few months you’ll have to hear endless baby stories, which, again, just not that interesting if it’s NOT YOUR BABY, which mothers never seem to grasp.
If I were you I’d just put on a big smile and announce to the room, “I hear massive tearing is involved in 80% of deliveries!” And then just go back to your work. This might explain why I was never big buddies with many of my female co-workers.
I’m so impressed with the knitted patch. Very clever! And one very funny post!
I lost it the day the lunch room discussion was about the colour and consistency of the diaper contents!
Love the chair repair.